How does friendship work between Benedictine monks?

You’ve likely read a lot about the role of community in the Benedictine monastery. It’s a defining factor of monastic life, established in The Rule of St. Benedict.

Much of what you’ve learned probably covers rhythms and routines. The expectation of shared meals and monks’ prayer. Labor as a means of supporting one another. But the question “How do I become a monk” eventually raises another question: “Can monks have friends?”

Obviously, the answer is yes. Friendship is only natural in communal life. And in many ways, it’s encouraged. These friendships take different forms among St. Bede’s monks. An older monk may become a mentor to a younger monk. Two monks may form their bond over decades. And other monks may note an immediate spark between each other.

There’s more to it, though. These friendships mean something different in our monastery. And they don’t come without challenges. But as you learn how to become a monk, understanding how to approach friendship in the monastery can actually help you come closer to Christ.

You can learn more about community in our monastery in Illinois here.

What is brotherhood?

St. Benedict titles Chapter 72 of The Rule “The Good Zeal That Monks Must Have.” This “good zeal” is in contrast to what he calls an “evil zeal:” a bitterness that separates oneself from God. He instructs: “Let monks, therefore, practice this [good] zeal with the warmest love.”

St. Benedict goes on to describe a “rivalry of obedience to one another.” He instructs the monks to “love their abbot with a sincere and humble love.” And he describes the devotion between monks as “the chaste love of the brothers.” This is perhaps the clearest description of friendship in The Rule.

You can learn more about The Rule of St. Benedict here.

Such love may occur naturally. We can all relate to making a fast friend or finding someone with whom we just “click.” So, it’s common in the monastery to find two monks who enjoy each other’s company, especially during recreation. That could mean going on walks or casual conversation. They may be assigned the same tasks and discover that they work particularly well together.

And, yes, monks do share jokes with one another. These aren’t strictly solemn friendships. You’re allowed to genuinely appreciate one another’s presence.

If you find a friendship like this in the monastery, you'll also understand that the relationship deepens faster than others. When you feel comfortable, you may confide your personal struggles in another monk. Or offer words of encouragement to your friend during difficult times.

Again, none of this is foreign to us outside of monastic life. This is how we all build relationships. The monastic friendship, however, also shares the vows and rhythms of Benedictine living.

One key example of this is cautioning against exclusive friendships or “cliques” within St. Bede’s larger community. The “chaste love of brothers” shouldn’t come at the cost of excluding monks you have yet to develop a closeness with. That love is something you must practice with each monk you live with.

Charity through friendship

While there will be monks who naturally gravitate to one another, not every relationship comes with such ease. Consider the monk from whom you might feel a sense of distance. Or you don’t quite connect with. Or one who even irritates you.

In our monastery in Illinois, you will be called to love beyond your natural preferences. In fact, this is exactly what St. Benedict envisioned when he described the monastic community. In Chapter 72 of The Rule, he writes:

Let them bear most patiently with one another’s weaknesses, whether of body or of character.

So, the goal isn’t necessarily to become best friends with everyone. Instead, it’s to accept each monk with charity.

If you find yourself struggling in your relationship with a particular monk, you may want to first take stock of how you engage with him. Do you speak to him with respect and exercise patience? Do you help him when he needs it? Do you avoid gossip, and instead acknowledge his positive qualities? What's key is that you look past your personal reaction to another monk to still see the person that he really is.

In rare cases, monks will acknowledge that a relationship is particularly damaging to the community. Monks may attempt to privately discuss the matter together or establish reasonable boundaries. And if necessary, they may reach out to the abbot for help.

Remember, the Benedictine vow of stability will call you to remain not just physically on St. Bede’s grounds, but also with the monks who inhabit it.

You can learn more about the Benedictine vows here.

Yes, you will have the monks you feel a fast, strong kinship with. But you can’t neglect the monks with whom that connection doesn’t come as easily. Perhaps most importantly, you must remember that you can love that monk before you even become friends.

The spirituality of monastic friendship

Regardless of the nature of your friendship—one of ease or one of effort—by nurturing them, you are bringing yourself closer to Christ. Those highs and lows, the challenges and the closeness, are all things you'll experience as you further your spiritual path.

So, within a friendship, no matter how difficult, you are learning how to love.

If you want to keep uncovering how to become a monk and what life can be like among St. Bede’s monks, get in touch with us by submitting a form at this link.